Breathe Again: A Love Story Page 9

  I noticed Darcy coming out from behind my closet wall, holding one of my nightgowns in her head, frowning at it. I scrambled up, trying to pull it out of her grasp, but she stepped out of my way quickly.

  “What’s going on over there?” Jackson asked, apparently hearing my scuffle with Darcy.

  “Nothing, Darcy is just being a pain in the ass, like always,” I said, giving up for the moment.

  I heard Jackson chuckle through the phone. “Well, why don’t you call me when she isn’t around so we can really talk.”

  I really didn’t want to put the phone down, but I knew Darcy wasn’t about to let me go either. “Fine,” I said, my voice sad. “Can I call you late tonight? That way it’ll be morning for you.”

  “Sure,” he said. “Why don’t you call me at ten your time, that way it’ll be six a.m. over here.”

  We agreed, and hung up the phone. I was far too sad when I had to say goodbye, but I felt better knowing that I would get to talk to him later.

  As soon as I was off the call, Darcy came back out with the same night gown in her hand.

  “What the hell is this Mellie?” she asked, shoving the piece of cotton fabric in my face.

  “Uh, it’s a nightgown?” I asked, not really sure where this was going.

  Darcy threw herself onto my couch dramatically. “Please tell me that you do NOT wear this thing when going to bed with Jackson. I’m mortified for you right now!”

  I felt my cheeks burn, and snatched the thing from her hands. “Not that it’s any of your business Darcy, but no. I haven’t worn that around Jackson.”

  The relief on her face was almost comical. “So tell me then, what do you wear when sleeping with him?”

  I was not having this conversation with her. I just glared at her instead.

  Darcy sat up on the couch, taking my hands into her own. I felt like I was five years old, all of the sudden, being scolded by my mother and then forced to listen to one of her lectures. Though in this version, I was talking about lingerie and Darcy was being much nicer than I mom would ever be.

  “Mel, you’re currently dating the world’s hottest actor. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women that would jump into his bed right now, no strings attached. I suggest you try a little harder in the lingerie department, if you want him to realize that he doesn’t need to jump into bed with them if he has you.”

  I pulled my hands away from her immediately, glaring at her from across the couch. “I don’t need to seduce my way into his bed with lingerie Darcy. He likes me just the way that I am.”

  Darcy just sighed. “I’m not saying he doesn’t. He would be crazy not to, if you ask me. But I still think you could treat yourself to something a little nicer. I mean, my grandmother wears night shirts like this to bed.” She made a face at the piece of fabric I still held in my hands.

  I looked down to the nightdress. It was a little old-ladyish, but I never intended for anyone else to see it. Even if Jackson did see it, it wasn’t his to dislike.

  “Come on Mel, what time are you off today? I think a trip to Victoria’s Secret might be in order.” She said, giving me a playful grin. I groaned, not wanting to even think about stepping into that black hole of debauchery. “Oh stop. Just humor me.”

  I glanced up at Darcy, and saw something there. I guess I never really let anyone in, both men and women. My friends back home were really just friends by default; we hung out because it was easy and expected. But Darcy was here, all on her own, because she wanted to. Our personalities couldn’t have been more different, but she still cared about me, in her weird Darcy way.

  “Fine,” I said, finally. Darcy just squealed with glee, and let me know that she would come get me after she was done with her shift at four that afternoon.

  I tried to drag out the day, making twice as many macarons as I needed to, just wishing that four o’clock wouldn’t come too quickly. I’m not sure why; it really had been far too long since I’d gone out with girlfriends.

  Darcy had invited Jenn out too, which I didn’t mind. Her quiet, quirky personality balanced Darcy’s outspoken extroversion. I liked to think I was somewhere in the middle, not necessarily shy, but reserved nonetheless.

  “I really can’t afford anything in here,” I said as we dug through the racks of silk and satin.

  “You have a credit card, don’t you?” Darcy asked, holding up something pink, and far too see-through, for my taste.

  “Yeah, but it’s only for emergencies,” I said, pulling something a little more tasteful off the clearance rack. Darcy just made a face at it.

  “Honey, Jackson Traver wants to get into your panties. Consider this an emergency,” she said, exchanging the knee length robe I had in my hands with a light blue teddy. I was about to thrust it back in her direction, but thought against it. It wasn’t as explicit as the things she had in her hands for herself, but it was still sexy. Maybe I could do this after all.

  “She’s right Mellie,” Jenn said as she pulled a black nighty off the wall, and held it up to me. I frowned, but stayed put so she could appraise me. Darcy had extravagant, loud taste in clothing, but I respected Jenn’s style. She was more classic, while still being edgy. She was only working at the café to put herself through fashion school, which gave her more credibility in my eyes. Darcy was only an ‘expert’ in fashion because she’d bought enough clothes to fill the white house.

  “I don’t know why I’m not just good enough for him,” I grumbled while they pushed me into the dressing room.

  “Oh believe me,” Darcy said, plopping herself into the corner of the cubicle. “You are more than good enough for him. He knows it, and we know it. But now that you’ve snagged him, you have to keep things interesting. And don’t tell me you aren’t excited about the prospect of him groveling at your feet when he sees you in that.” She pointed to the bra and panty set I held in my hands, and I just frowned.

  “I’m not trying on all these things with you in here,” I said flatly. She just huffed and crossed her arms in front of her chest, but stayed put in her seat. Jenn politely excused herself, and closed the door behind her.

  Darcy and I stayed silent for another thirty seconds, glaring at each other. I don’t know how she did it, but that girl always seemed to wear me down. It was exhausting. Finally, I stripped out of my blouse and black skirt, laying them neatly on the chair that Darcy wasn’t occupying. I heard a wolf-whistle come from Darcy, and scowled. Jenn just giggled, still outside the dressing room door.

  “Good Lord Mel, you shouldn’t be covering all that up. I would be flaunting my goods all over the place if I had your curves,” she said, blatantly checking me out. I felt myself flush under her gaze.

  Darcy was gorgeous, and she knew it. She was tall and supermodel-thin, with a short, pixie haircut that framed her narrow, angular face perfectly. Her hair was a bleached blonde, and loved to wear bright colors and flamboyant prints. She was the epitome of California sunshine.

  I suddenly felt self-conscious, trying half-heartedly to cover myself up, but Darcy stood up and swatted my hands away. “Seriously Jenn, you should get in here and check this girl out. She’s been hiding some serious sex-appeal under all those grandma skirts and button up shirts.” Thankfully she didn’t actually open up the door, exposing my nakedness to the entire store. Instead, she just smiled at me, and put her hands on my shoulders. “I’m serious Mellie, you’re gorgeous. You don’t need any of this,” she said, motioning to all the pieces of lingerie we’d brought into the dressing room with us. “But I guarantee that Jackson is going to piss himself when he sees you in any of it. So work it girl, and know that you’re the shit.”

  I never really realized how much I actually needed girl talk before then. Sex was just too taboo in Selden, and I didn’t talk about it to my girlfriends either. But here, with Darcy, and with Jackson I felt confident, sexy, like my body was actually my own.

  I actually cracked a smile at Darcy, and the look on her face could only
be described as triumphant.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll get a few things.”

  Darcy actually squealed.

  “Get the red one!” I heard Jenn yell from over the door.

  I ended up spending the most money I’ve ever spent on the smallest amount of fabric ever, but I couldn’t contain my smile. All of the sudden, I wanted Jackson home even more than I did before. Darcy declared it an occasion to celebrate, though any day that ended in ‘Y’ was a day to celebrate for Darcy, and took us out all out to sushi. Apparently she still had a credit card that her daddy didn’t know about.

  I didn’t get home until minutes before ten that night, and I was still smiling when I padded my way up the stairs to my little apartment. Jenn and Darcy seemed like real friends, the type who actually liked me because of who I was, not just because it was convenient. They both were from Los Angeles, and I knew that they had plenty of people in the area that they could have spent their afternoon with, but they didn’t. They chose to spend it with me, helping me pick out lingerie and gossiping with me.

  I was busy putting away everything from those hot pink bags when I heard my new phone vibrate on the bed. I picked it up quickly, not wanting to run the risk of not talking to Jackson.

  “Hello?” I said, slightly breathless from dashing across the room to grab the phone.

  “Hey,” he said back, his voice tired from sleep. “How’re you?”

  “I’m good,” I said, sitting down on the bed.

  “Good? That wasn’t what I wanted to hear.”

  I frowned. “Why not?”

  “Because I’m far from ‘good.’ In fact, the only person that would make me ‘good’ right now is currently five thousand miles away from me right now.”

  I’m pretty sure my heart just melted. My frown was immediately replaced by a smile so big that my cheeks hurt. “I know what you mean,” I whispered. “I did get to go out with Darcy and Jenn though. They were able to take my mind off of you, but just a little.”

  “I guess that’s alright,” he said. “I wouldn’t want you to be feeling what I am right now. Nobody should feel this lost.” I just whimpered. How was it possible for someone so far away, across an entire ocean, to make you feel like you were home? “What did you ladies do without me?”

  “Oh, we just went shopping, ate dinner. You know, girly things.”

  Jackson laughed through the phone. “I didn’t know you were the type to do girly things. It makes me feel better, knowing that they’re taking care of you.”

  “They’re good friends.” I said it before I realized I did, but I didn’t take it back either. It was true.

  We talked for the next two hours, until Jackson reluctantly told me he needed to go. I was still laying on my bed, fully clothed, my phone cradled up against my ear.

  “When can I talk to you again?” I asked quietly, not really sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

  Jackson was silent for a few seconds. “I’m not sure. I have an interview this morning, and then we’re doing some junket later in the afternoon. I’ll text you when I can, just make sure you keep your phone on you.”

  “I will,” I said, knowing that I would. “Goodnight Jackson.”

  “Goodnight Mellie Rose.”

  We hung up, and I went back to putting the rest of my purchases away. I looked at the pink Victoria’s Secret bag sitting on my bed, and a wave of something came over me. I’d never really flirted before in my life either, but Jackson had this weird ability to make all my inhibitions go out the window, even if he was on another continent. I scrolled through the icons on my new phone quickly, finally spotting the camera app, and snapped a picture of the bag. Not of anything inside, just the bag. And before I could convince myself not to, I sent it to Jackson.

  It took only ten seconds for me to get a reply.

  “Oh. My. God.”

  I decided to sleep in my new black nighty that night. Though I didn’t doubt that Jackson would enjoy it someday too, it was really for me.

  Chapter 14

  The next week went by so painfully slowly. I threw myself into my work, trying desperately to think of other things. I tried six new recipes, only three of which were successful, and I went out with Darcy and Jenn twice more. Still, the magnetism that I’d felt with Jackson while we were together was just as strong as when he was away from me. It was like I could sense the distance that separated us. I was miserable.

  I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think what it meant. If I denied its existence, the pain and misery, then there was no threat of being hurt by it.

  Regardless, I waited impatiently for him to come home. Before Jackson, I thought I knew how terrible the ache of a relationship could be, but the feeling of emptiness I felt with Jackson’s absence was entirely different than what I felt when Daniel abandoned me. Daniel’s betrayal had felt like suffocation, like I didn’t know how to breathe and couldn’t get enough air into my lungs, but Jackson’s absence felt like a part of me was literally missing. It terrified me, because while I eventually learned how to breathe on my own, I could never learn to make myself whole again.

  Exactly nine days after he left, Jackson came home to me. I’d wanted to come pick him up from the airport, but he’d refused. At first I was hurt, but then he explained how violent the paparazzi could be at the airport, and I realized it was just for my own safety and privacy.

  Up until fifteen minutes before he arrived at my apartment, I’d been more than excited to see him. I had all these outrageous ideas of jumping into his arms, and dragging him back to my bed. In my fantasies, we wouldn’t leave for days; I’d even made enough scones and muffins for two days, just in case I decided to skip out on work completely the next day so we could make up for lost time. But then I turned on the television.

  I didn’t have a computer, and I only used my new phone to call and text Jackson. I didn’t have much exposure to the outside world. My nerves were getting the best of me though, and I needed the ambient noise while I was getting ready. I don’t know why I did it, but I left it on the same channel that I’d been watching last. It had been a while since I watched actual television; I usually just went straight to Netflix or my DVR. I didn’t realize that I’d left it on the entertainment channel.

  I was at my vanity when I heard his name come out of the speakers. I dropped my mascara immediately, the rest of my makeup, save for my lipstick, already finished. I made my way slowly from my bedroom, and sat down on the couch without even thinking. My eyes were glued to the screen in front of me, and I couldn’t find it in myself to pull them away.

  I watched as Jackson broke my heart, piece by piece. I couldn’t deny it; the picture was right there. He had a woman in his arms, and it most definitely wasn’t me. To make things worse, I recognized Sophia Lewis from that day at Meredith’s house, with her jet black hair and piercing green eyes. She was looking at Jackson with what could only be described as complete adoration. I didn’t hear anything the commentators were actually saying, suddenly deaf by the ringing in my own ears.

  The knock at my door brought me out of my daze, and I turned the TV off quickly. I glanced at the clock, and realized that I’d been sitting in the same spot for fifteen minutes. I stood up, and made my way to the door slowly. I was afraid to open it, knowing that everything would come tumbling down once I did.

  As soon as I did open the door, Jackson had me in his arms and his lips on my own. He tasted amazing, and felt perfect in my arms. As much as I wanted to cry, I didn’t. I put everything I had into the kiss. I knew that it would be our last. Eventually we both slowed, and pulled away. He kept kissing me, my eyelids and my cheeks and my forehead, but I didn’t move. He stopped moving too.

  “You saw,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes, but I’m not angry,” I said, pulling myself away from his embrace and turning to walk back into my apartment. He hesitated for a moment before following me inside.

  “If you aren’t angry,” he star
ted as he continued to the center of the room, where I’d taken a seat on the sofa, “then what’s wrong?”

  I shifted slightly, moving myself farther away from where he now sat next to me before I answered.

  “I saw the photos, and I was angry. But then I realized that I shouldn’t be. This is my fault,” I said. I kept all emotion from my voice, but it was difficult. I felt numb.

  He just looked me, confused, but didn’t say anything at first. It was almost torture, sitting there with him in the silence. I stared straight ahead, at the television. The thing that had ruined it all in the first place.

  “First things first,” he said, “I’m not in a relationship with anyone but you. There never has been and there never will be any type of relationship beyond friendship between Sophia and I. If there were, however, and I’d somehow violated your trust in the past week, how on earth would it be your fault?”

  I paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. I knew what he was saying, but it contradicted everything I’d just seen. They were just words, ones that didn’t hold much clout when put up against photographic evidence.

  “It’s my fault because I should have anticipated this.”

  I refused to look at him.

  “What should you have anticipated?”

  “I should have known that you would eventually find someone else. It’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, you’re you,” I said, emphasizing the last word as if it explained everything. It did to me, at least. When he didn’t say anything, I just kept going. “You’re the sexiest bachelor alive. Any girl would give anything to be with you. So why on earth would you, or should you, choose someone like me? I should have never expected you to choose me over someone as beautiful as Sophia Lewis.”

  “So, even if I were dating Sophia, you wouldn’t be angry?” I could hear the desperation in his voice, but I wouldn’t let it affect me. He was an actor. He knew what he was supposed to say, and how to say it.

  “No,” I said. I tried to look complacent, resolved, but I knew that my voice betrayed me.